Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas...where were you?

Just to warn you that if you are still all warm and fuzzy with Christmas Cheer then I may suggest you do not read this post.  Not that I am suspecting anyone is reading it anyways but its my life..the good and bad.

It's boxing day here in Canada today and I have to say I'm glad Christmas is over.  For some reason I just wasn't feeling Christmas this year.  Don't know why, but reasons I suspect are;

1) Seeing pictures of my Sister and family on Facebook, knowing I would only be able to enjoy their Christmas through pictures rather then being there with them

2)  The emptiness I feel seeing everyone create Christmas memories with their children, reminding me that I still haven't had a baby.

3) The fact that my dad is a miserable grump and we couldn't live with my parents anymore (we were trying to stick it out until we moved to Alberta in 3 months) So in December alone we have had to move all our stuff out of where we were, move to the Sister in Laws for 2 weeks and then move into Ryan's parents place until we leave.  I don't know where anything is right now and its frustrating.

So with all of that debilitating the Christmas spirit, Christmas day wasn't worth anything to change my mind. Here's the scoop on the day;

Slept on a chair Christmas eve.  The mother in law had promised the sister in law that her and her famiy could have the spare bed...the only bed I have right now.  There is a futon in the other room that they could have used but no, we had to give up our bed.  Now if anyone out there knows what it is like to live with any sort of mental illness you will understand that your "safe place" is very important.  I am at heightened anxiety already with all of the moving around and still trying to get used to having this room as my safe place for the next couple of months so when I had to give it up for the night?  Not a very good idea....
Next morning, as a result of the night before, I woke up feeling something awful, HORRIBLE panic attack, probably up their among the top 10 worst.  Anyways in-between all of this I managed to sit with the family as everyone opened gifts.  We had already in November received a laptop from his parents so I knew nothing was for us from them, I am so greatful for that lap top!  We knew that his Nanny still had to buy for us and  everyone was sitting there opening gifts..everyone except me.  The sister in law has a new boyfriend and he was being showered with gifts from Nanny gift certificates, tools, clothes, other guy stuff,  Finally I get handed a bag, it is a blanket with figure skaters on it, probably $10 to make the whole thing.  Then Nannys new boyfriend starts handing out cards to certificates, money......I didn't even get a card!  I haven't done anything wrong, and my husband can't figure out what was going on either, maybe she is mad that I have "influenced" her grandson to move to Alberta, far away from her and her controlling ways and the funny thing is?  I think that he is more excited to move then I am!

So continuing on with our day, something that we ate the night before we shouldn't have ate.  Both of us were nauseous and had to skip out on dinner at Nanny's.  What did we have for dinner? Vegetable soup and Macaroni and Cheese...yum...Merry Christmas...

Anyways now thats over with..I'm done venting, new years is just around the corner and I am determined to do thing I have been saying I am going to do, usually I'm much more cheery and greatful
....I promise xoxoxoxo

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