Sunday, June 15, 2014

High Expectations

I don't know if anyone is reading my blog anymore, but maybe....

I'm having a hard time...with life.

I'm not suicidal or anything, trust me if I made it out alive with what I have been through in the past 7 years I can overcome this too...but it's's different.

I think that the hardest thing is that I set my expectations for myself too high. I think I tell myself every morning that I am going to get up and tackle the world; then I am let down when I don't.

I have been dealing with depression for the past 7 years and right now it's really kicking my butt.

My anxiety is not as severe as it was and because of that I think "OK Candace! Make up for lost time" and then WHAM reality hits, and I realize though I am doing better then I was I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me. 2 years ago I was housebound and had been pretty much since 2007. Leaving my property created anxiety so bad that I would be scratching myself to release some of the adrenaline going through me. It was embarrassing, I sheltered myself from the world. I didn't want to give my sickness to anyone.

Moving out to Alberta was a good decision. I have come a LONG way since moving out here but there are some disadvantages.

1. My Family is almost 4000 km's away
2. Everything I have been familiar to my entire life is 4000 km's away

We would be foolish to move back to a city where the economy is horrible. Where there is no opportunity for room to grow. We live in a booming city that has so much potential and out here we can provide for ourselves.

 My husband had his third interview where they drove 5 hours to meet him for lunch. For what? To be Operations Manager for FedEx for Basically all of northern Alberta and British Columbia. So fingers crossed he gets the position.

Back home the jobs are so limited, you'd have to compete with 400 other people to work for McDonalds. (Nothing wrong with that I'm just stating an example) Out here there are more jobs then people.

So the dilemma, Stay out here where we can provide a better life for ourselves and be away from family and familiarity or move home and struggle to pay our bills.

It's obvious what the smarter decision is. And also I am the only one that feels this way.  My Husband will not move back. He loves it out here.

I feel so useless. I am trying to pursue my dreams but it's hard when my husband works long ours at his current job. I need someone for support. to be my rock, to help me grow.

My dreams are pretty big for someone that has spent the past 7 years sick. I am also feeling the pressure to get my butt in gear because I am 30. I push myself too hard, set to many expectations and then I feel like this.

I really hope sunny days are ahead...

©Kandistar Photos



  1. You need to develop some friends where you currently live. Are there any hobbies you could use to meet some friends. There must be other polish lovers locally you could connect with. Maybe a craigslist ad looking for nail polish/nail art lovers.

  2. I started a FB group for polish lovers in my area. We've actually met in person over 5 times and I've made some real friends. I don't know if you're a member of any FB groups, but that would be where I would start.

    1. Good idea to use local Facebook groups!