High Expectations

I don't know if anyone is reading my blog anymore, but maybe....

I'm having a hard time...with life.

I'm not suicidal or anything, trust me if I made it out alive with what I have been through in the past 7 years I can overcome this too...but it's hard...it's different.

I think that the hardest thing is that I set my expectations for myself too high. I think I tell myself every morning that I am going to get up and tackle the world; then I am let down when I don't.

I have been dealing with depression for the past 7 years and right now it's really kicking my butt.

My anxiety is not as severe as it was and because of that I think "OK Candace! Make up for lost time" and then WHAM reality hits, and I realize though I am doing better then I was I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me. 2 years ago I was housebound and had been pretty much since 2007. Leaving my property created anxiety so bad that I would be scratching myself to release some of the adrenaline going through me. It was embarrassing, I sheltered myself from the world. I didn't want to give my sickness to anyone.

Moving out to Alberta was a good decision. I have come a LONG way since moving out here but there are some disadvantages.

1. My Family is almost 4000 km's away
2. Everything I have been familiar to my entire life is 4000 km's away

We would be foolish to move back to a city where the economy is horrible. Where there is no opportunity for room to grow. We live in a booming city that has so much potential and out here we can provide for ourselves.

 My husband had his third interview where they drove 5 hours to meet him for lunch. For what? To be Operations Manager for FedEx for Basically all of northern Alberta and British Columbia. So fingers crossed he gets the position.

Back home the jobs are so limited, you'd have to compete with 400 other people to work for McDonalds. (Nothing wrong with that I'm just stating an example) Out here there are more jobs then people.

So the dilemma, Stay out here where we can provide a better life for ourselves and be away from family and familiarity or move home and struggle to pay our bills.

It's obvious what the smarter decision is. And also I am the only one that feels this way.  My Husband will not move back. He loves it out here.

I feel so useless. I am trying to pursue my dreams but it's hard when my husband works long ours at his current job. I need someone for support. to be my rock, to help me grow.

My dreams are pretty big for someone that has spent the past 7 years sick. I am also feeling the pressure to get my butt in gear because I am 30. I push myself too hard, set to many expectations and then I feel like this.

I really hope sunny days are ahead...

©Kandistar Photos

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It's been Awhile...

I over achieve, I am a perfectionist, and I missed my blog! My New Years resolution is to work on those attributes. I did not say I would stop doing these things, it is just a day to day process.  

I have been away from the blogging world, been spending little time on Facebook groups , just trying to get my life in order. I am not there yet but I am getting there. 

I will not make promises to post every day, to do my nails or draw something every day. I just want to do my best to give my blog some more love. 

I have some pretty big things I have been working on, the completion date is not known yet but it will be in the form of a blog post and I will need help. I will be sharing a very personal part of my life and I am trying to contact the Ellen Degeneres show, so when the time comes, I will appreciate and be forever grateful for your help. Check back in!

Cheers to you with my coffee!

The end...and the Beginning!

The time has finally arrived.  I have finished my wedding photography season and besides a couple of small photo sessions I do not have any weddings until next year!  So relieved, it is exhausting being the photographer the runner, the coordinator, the bustle fixer, the fight solver and the list goes on and on, a wedding photographer is in close quarters with the couple all day and anything that may go wrong or if  assistance is needed for anything, your camera goes aside and you are rolling up your sleeves to help!

I have been a phone blogger for most of my posts, uploading pictures and posting from my phone but I am going to start reviewing polishes for some pretty awesome indie polish makers and I am going to be having awesome features on my blog

As you know I am having a giveaway right now, and my followers have tripled in numbers.  I just hope you all stick around after the giveaway as I will be doing something for my loyal followers near Christmas ;)

No post should go without a picture or two so I will leave you with a picture my Roommate took of our dog...

And one I took the day we got him, its nothing special as far as photography is concerned but he is still cute.

Realizations

So I have been sitting here thinking trying to figure out why I am not "getting with the program" and I have come to a few realizations...

1.  I need to find my purpose..not necessarily for life but just for right now!
2. I need to be me and stop comparing myself to other people I am good enough to just be who I am and instead of being jealous of someone else's life be thankful for my own life and create it the way I want to!
3.  I have to get to know myself before I can get my head on straight again which #1 & #2 become important for this...
4. I need to be honest with myself and not always wonder/worry what other people think!

I thought that maybe I should scrap this blog and start a new one because I haven't been consistent with this one and make the new one super great and wonderful but then I thought wait a second I can't throw myself away and get a new Candace so why should I be able to do that to my blog? I then decided that I was going to keep this blog right beside me and it will transform and grow just as I need to do. 

It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads anything I write here (although it is nice to meet people and I would love to have people reading and enjoying my blog)  I am going to have this blog as my companion, use this blog for the reason it was intended, to document my life and everything in it.

Unsatisfied production...

So I start this post untitled, I don't know where I am going with it yet, I just thought I would start typing and see where it takes me. Lately I have been working more on my art journal which I intend to post pictures of really soon, my card making is coming up unsatisfactory, I have a card ready to be posted for a challenge, I think I just don't know if I am satisfied with it yet.

I am curious to know something, How do you do a random act of kindness and keep it a surprise if you don't have the persons address? This boggles me and please let me know! I received my first blog candy win in the mail on Monday from Lisa and I was so happy, I have never ever received a package in the mail that required a signature before in my life it was the coolest thing, I almost could have cried, it was pretty emotional, and all the goodies were beautiful especially the handmade items which I hope to take a picture of and post with her permission of course. I would have already posted pics of this and of my journalling but my printer is beside my bed ( I put the memory card in there to upload the pictures) and near the ground underneath this cabinet thing and i get dizzy when i bend down like that (stupid med side effects) so I have to wait for my hubby to do it. In one month we are moving into a townhouse with my parents, which I am really excited for. See my trailer is up for sale right now and it is small so my only workspace is my bed because most of the furniture is in the shed to make the living space look bigger. all of my craft stuff is underneath the bed, which hubby has to get as well for me. It is supper annoying! When we move into my parents , my mom and I are going to have our own craft room, see they are moving into this new house the same time we are so my mom is just as excited as I am!

I would really like it if I could have some feedback on my blog, things I could change, and stuff like that. I am honored i have so many followers and i have met some wonderful people but I want you to come back frequently and visit so if there is anything that i can do, just let me know, you live and learn right?

Have a good night/ morning wherever in the world you might be, I sure wish i was someplace sunny, like where my faithful follower and friend
Tertia is! Winter in Canada stinks, it hasn't been bad this year really but I hate the cold, and snow and you would think after 26 years I'd be used to it! If I had the money I would be on a plane somewhere with no snow, wearing sandals and summer dresses, instead of winter coats and snow boots. Well all I can do is go to sleep and dream about it, It's warm under my blankets, so If I shut my eyes I can go to that warmer place...ahhh..zzzzz...nite nite

Mojo monday Week 121

Whew this month is going by fast. I have a doctor's appointment in an hour so I am hoping he is going to work miracles and give me the right prescription this time. I really appreciate the support you have been giving me, and the stories you have shared on my comments to let me know and to reassure me that I am not alone with this. I wish that Anxiety and Depression disorders didn't exist but they do and all I can do is learn from my struggles and experiences and come out of this a stronger person. When I am better I plan to make a difference in some way, I want to raise the awareness of mental health and hopefully create or find a way to create more support that works better then the resources that are provided now. We have the Canadian Mental Health Association but I find they are a joke, I have nothing but bad experiences with them, others may have found it helpful but as for me i think it has caused more problems each time making me feel more helpless because of all places you would think that would be the one place that would help right? Not a chance. if I want good help I have to play for it. Ontario has free health care but having a good doctor for mental health costs money. I guess I cant complain because most places don't have the advantage of free health care but I can not afford the extra money it would cost to get the proper help I need.

Anyways i made this card a couple of days ago for the Mojo Monday challenge, I just haven't had the energy to post it Its for Mojo Monday Week 121. I really love their challenges and i tend to do them more frequently then others. I find sometimes i am limited to challenges because I am limited in supplies. I found this free 3d decoupage bear and flower from http://thelilacgardendecoupagesite.co.uk/teddydecoupage.html

beautiful stuff over on that site!

Whew here we go...2 Challenges, two cards (Cute card Thursday 94 and Charisma Cardz Week 1)

I have not been blogging for the past few days, my depression has been really kicking me in the butt, I started out with just anxiety and then a couple of months ago my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression. The anxiety is still the majority of the problem but sometimes the depression rears its ugly head.

I finally gathered the strength and energy to make a couple of cards for a couple of challenges the first is over at Charisma Cards Week 1 and it was a color challenge to use the colors pink brown cream and toffee. Hope this is ok.

The second challenge was over at Cute Card Thursday Challenge #94 and the challenge theme was all new so I made a baby card
Both of the images came from a french coloring book site which I love! I really need to get out of the house, it's been pretty much two months since i have been able to actually go any where, i have the odd day where i am somewhat OK but not good enough to go shopping and I need stuff! Also I am anxious for the post man to come everyday because I am waiting on two packages (Blog candy I won) one from the UK and the other from the USA. I guess they are taking a long time because of Christmas, hopefully tomorrow? I need some new stash soon!
I was also a featured stamper this week over at Tuesday Morning Sketches but I will fill you in more with that tomorrow hopefully. Good night everyone (depending on where you live!)

Olympic Torch Comes through Barrie Ontario, and...where is everyone?

My biggest problem I have always had even before the anxiety is Paranoia, come to think of it that could be one of my links to my Anxiety. I used to dread when I was younger if one of my friends was mad at me that everyone was mad at me. I have thought that because someone doesn't get back to me for a couple of days that they too were mad at me. Now this has been personal and very hard to tell in such a public place but its me, it's who I am. The reason why I am bringing this up, is because no one commented on my last post, I don't know if I did something wrong with the card or said something wrong, but the highlight of my day is getting comments from all of you amazing people. Please don't get offended by this but I miss you guys and if I ever say or do anything wrong on one of my posts please let me know so i can fix it or remove the content from my blog. I know that it's the busy time of year and I am just working myself up and ultimately this blog is for me but I have loved the interaction with each and everyone of you. Please excuse this ramble. I don't know if I am just making it worse.

Anyways the Olympic torch came to Barrie Ontario last night and we only had to go a couple of blocks from our house to see it go by. i wasn't feeling the best but i wasn't going to miss this.

Me and my Hubby waiting and it was really cold!



The Coca Cola Float in the procession

The Olympic Torch such a beautiful thing to see and the runners had tears streaming sown their faces i wanted to cry to it was such an amazing moment!

This last shot was taken by mistake and it is our favourite picture out of the whole bunch. Our camera is really on it's last legs and we didn't get one for Christmas so this one will have to do.

I have been reading the archives of all of your blogs, yes all of them, I have a little organizational thing going on in Excel Spreadsheet and I read a little bit of the archives each day until i get caught up to the recent posts, so soon I will be leaving comments and such on your blogs, I just wanted to catch up on everything first, and it takes awhile when you have many posts! I want to follow the blog properly and that is why I am reading each and every one of your blogs the entire was through! I thought that that's why people haven't come here because i am not going there but I am trust me! I just feel reading them in order won't get me so confused and I am not jumping all over the place.

If i don't post tomorrow Happy New Year's everyone!